Empathy in action. Responding to someone telling you they have cancer.

Most of us, if not all have direct experience with someone who had or has cancer, or died of it.  Unfortunately, most of us have an initial fear, uncomforting, insecurity feeling when we hear the word cancer, or downright dread it,  panic from it.

 

This is because when we faced cancer at probably a young age, we felt these emotions from our environment, the people around us and those memories makes us feel the same.

 

I was a child when my grandmother and parents told me that my grandfather died of lung cancer before I was born.

Later when I was 18, my aunt stayed with us for a few days before she went into hospice and died at a young age. Her vulnerability left a deep imprint on me.

 

When someone in the present tells us they are diagnosed with cancer, in an instant our own feelings come up and will influence our sudden reaction. 

 

It takes a practiced mindful mind to understand, we do not see their truth or future.

 

We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are.

 

Recently someone asked me how to give a good response to someone telling us they have a cancer diagnosis.

 

First, take a deep breath and pause a little. This quiets your mind and may convey right away a message of calmness towards the person, who is already in stress. We don’t want a situation where you end up as the patient triggering therapy from  the diagnosed person, because they will not be able to handle your fears or panic.

 

Be empathetic and look for connection.  Offer an honest support that you can commit to. If you don’t feel ready to take this news in, don’t push or want to do somehting right away.

 

Each person creates their own journey. Each story is different. Avoid talking about people you know who have or had cancer. We all know so many. Particularly recently diagnosed are not ready yet to be a member of this club.

 

“Because the truth is, rarely can a response make things better. What makes things better is connection”  Brené  Brown

 

 

Possible things to say or do:

“Sorry you are going through this.”

“How are you? “

“I cannot imagine how hard this can be, not sure what to say, I would like to help”

"I am not sure what to say. Do you think I could help you in any way?"

 

Ask them if they can tell you what help they need, because you would like to help, but don’t know what to help. 

 

Tell them you are here if they would like to talk about anything in the world. You are here to listen.

 

Give them a hug

 

Offer concrete help that you can really commit to:    offer to help with X at time Y.

e.g., Taking care of the kids, if appropriate.   

Go for a walk together.

Taking the dog for a walk.

Drive them to the hospital.

Do something together : e.g., Play cards if they feel like it. Play and laughter heals, if appropriate to do with the person.

 

Now and then just send a message that you are thinking of them. It doesn’t matter if they don’t answer, it is such a big support for someone going through cancer to know they are not alone.

 

Offer to cook an appropriate meal. Find out if they are on a special diet and try to make something that is high in fresh and organic nutrients.

 

Handle them as normal. Make them feel normal. Offer to talk about something other than cancer.

 

If you can, help the person to laugh.

 

After the treatment, acknowledge that their life will not be the same as before their treatment. There are not many things challenging our core as much as cancer. There is no going back.

 

No go:

1. Don’t take chocolate, sweets, cakes, carbohydrates, sugary drinks, or alcohol to someone with cancer. Studies have shown decades ago, that cancer cells take up 8-10 times more glucose (sugar) than healthy cells.   Take e.g., flowers instead, if appropriate.
2. Never talk about people you know who had cancer, particularly if they died.  
3. Don’t ask what stage they are in.
4. Don’t say anything starting with “ at least……...you have an excellent doctor”  or “at least you just have stage 1…… “   You don’t know how the other feels about these things and it is them who need to find their own strengths in their own pace and way.
5. Don’t avoid the person because you cannot handle the situation. At a separate time spend time with yourself, go within and find your positive response to the situation.
6. Don’t say  “how good you look, compared to what you are going through.” The truth is, many people feel much worse inside than they look outside.

 

 

Often, we search for a fix it tool to help someone, when all they need is a sense of connection.

 

“When empathy is transmitted well and received well, it is like there is an infusion of energy into the person receiving empathic understanding.”  Michael Arloski

 

This is the biggest gift we can give. 

 

Judit x

 

 

 

If this resonates with you leave a message, ask a question, get in touch here. I am happy to get back to you.